Saturday, April 17, 2004

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How to be a Super SPG

Another irreverent guide brought to you by a self-absorbed, egotistical little bitch.

There are all sorts of angmos out there. They aren’t all rich, nice, interesting and pretty –in order of importance). Some are easy to snag, and some aren’t. But there will always be, for sure, some that are definitely worth snagging (otherwise I wouldn’t be here). Here are some guidelines for acquiring the object of your desire. Or the romance you require.

These are the qualities I believe a Super SPG should have. Not all necessarily have them, but I genuinely think that, well, hey. If a guy is going to spend all the money on you and let you crash at his apartment all the time, at least conform to a certain standard.

I am obviously not into the whole feminist thing. You know, where fat bitches go around proclaiming that “Not all pussies are straight, slender and stunning” Ugh. Well, the best ones are, and bitch, if you can’t be bothered to discipline yourself to go on a diet and work out, stop trying to tell the whole world that it’s image obsessed, because a shallow world is good for the genetic pool. And the girls that bother. I like submission.

Bend over and worship the Goddess.

Anyway:

1) Be Attractive.
For the love of god, if you’re going to have rich dinners at CHIJMES three times a week, try to exercise.
Go on a diet.
I highly recommend a Low-Carb diet. Particularly Atkins, or the South Beach Diet. I believe they are the two most strictest. And SPGs have very low self-control when it comes to indulgence –sluts are like that- So the stricter the better. I don’t know what the fuck The Martini Diet is, but you can try it, and tell me if it works. I recommend a low-carb diet because you can still drink your wine and have steak while loosing weight, and every knows how paramount good food is to good romance.

2) Be Different.
This is so fucking important.
There are days I wake up, and I think I look like a mess, and I’ve got my period and a horrible outbreak, and I just spent the whole of the last night binging on Ben and Jerry’s. But when I get lost in conversation talking about art, literature and ah… my favourite topic: Sex, I don’t think they mind that I look a mess. Boring girls get lost in double quick time, even if they’re pretty. All I can say is, read widely, watch tons and tons of indy films, go to the art gallery, get involved in forums that are frequented by people all the world over, and, be loud and dirty. Asian girls are usually inhibited, so if you’re loud and filthy, that’s different. I know it’s crazy to say ‘do it tastefully’ but it’s possible.

3) Be Independent.
Imperative.
Rejection is the best form of attraction. The more nonchalant you are about getting to get with him, the more he’ll want you. Don’t be too casual about it though, drop hints that you’re interesting, and that you can give him a great time over champagne and between the sheets, but for Christ sakes, don’t throw yourself at him. You’ll reek of desperation.
And I know local guys like those retarded messages with teddies made out of semi-colons and dashes and whatever else, but these guys don’t. In order to make lots of money so they can take your ass out, they work very hard, and have no time whatsoever to reply to such thick-witted, impersonal messages –that blatantly show your lack of creativity.

And among other things,

4) Don’t talk in a fake accent. If you have a tendency to lapse into it, not because you think it makes you sound oh so sophisticated (when in reality you sound like a crazy windbag) but because well, it’s hard to not to attempt to talk in an accent when you’re with him* tell him straight out. (If you can’t pronounce something, just say it anyway and ask if you got it right.) He’ll forgive you. Anyway, you should try your very best not to lapse into an accent. If you have to, take a speech and drama class. There is so much power in a sexy voice. (I’m still working on this.)

5) Wear sexy underwear.
6) Wear sexy clothing. Play dress up. Cheerleader outfits are useful–do you know how many American men have always wanted to screw a cheerleader because they’re really the only slim girls in the U.S?- So is the whole gothic burlesque mock-up (fish-net stockings, garter belts, who the hell doesn’t find that fucking kinky!). And of course the Little Black Dress, It’s a fucking STAPLE –I know that sounds so old school SPG, but hey, all women look good in small black dresses. It’s a staple whether or not you’re an party girl-

7) Don’t be afraid to suggest a ménage a trios. It’ll drive them nuts. Two hot naked Asian girls? That’s reason enough to live.

8) Be creative in bed. If you’ve never had a particularly imaginative mind and a childhood spent watching porn with your uncle while you were recovering from all the diseases little kids get, it’s time to purchase Tracy Cox’s SuperSex, and a can of whipped cream.

When I think of more, I’ll just add’em on. All suggestions welcome. Email them to me :)

As a note of caution. Some expats are only out there for a fuck. They know they’re rich, cute and desired. Be extremely careful if you don’t want to waste your time (and sanity, and what’s left of your meager morality) on those. I suppose you can tell. They are the ones that can never take you out on a date without taking you home later. The mother fuckers.

I learnt all those shit the hard way; and I’m all the more better off for it.

posted by Isabella at 8:09 AM